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Somewhere between Mar-a-Lago and Mar-a-LARP
In a shocking but completely on-brand move, former President Donald Trump reportedly spent the last 72 hours in a manic fugue state, attempting to redesign the classic WWII board game Axis & Allies.
“We’re calling it Trump’s Axis & Even Stronger Allies,
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” he told a crowd of three unpaid interns and one lost Domino’s delivery guy. “I know a lot of people don’t like dictators—but folks, let me tell you something—dictators? They keep borders safe. Unlike Biden. Biden plays like a typical Ally. Gives away everything. Like candy. To poor people.”
🕹️ Axis, But Make It Capitalism
When asked why he insisted on playing as the Axis powers every time, Trump replied:
“No one knows more about Axis and Allies than me. I’ve got the best strategies. People are saying—I’m not saying this, but people are saying—I’m the Sun Tzu of Palm Beach.”
“Look, I believe in democracy. I do. I just don’t think people who say bad things about me—nasty things—should be allowed to say them. That’s not censorship. That’s just… North Korea has some very smart systems. I’m just saying.”
Asked About Portland: “It’s Like Gaza With Gluten-Free Options”
Trump drills on about germany
In a press briefing nobody asked for, Trump was questioned about his recent comments calling Portland a “domestic warzone.”
“Have you been to Portland? It’s like Gaza. Except more Antifa. You go there—bam! Molotov smoothie. Someone throws a sage stick at you. It’s dangerous. I saw a dog with tattoos. Not normal, folks.”
Meanwhile, Portlanders responded by opening a kombucha speakeasy called “Molotov Mocktails.” Guinness Responds: “He’s Like Jordan, If Jordan Played With Facts” Guinness Book of World Records has weighed in, again, as Trump inches closer to earning:
“Most Unfounded Truths Postulated by a World Leader in Recorded Human History.”
“It’s truly amazing. You think he’s done—then BAM! He says Detroit’s been overrun by feral chihuahuas trained by the deep state. It’s like watching Jordan in his sixth Finals. If Jordan wore bronzer and believed windmills cause cancer.”
Federal Agents, National Guard, and a Flying Monorail?
No one is sure what’s real anymore. Trump reportedly tried to call in the National Guard to secure a Chick-fil-A parking lot after losing a round of Axis & Allies to Baron.Meanwhile, his final board revision includes:
A nuclear button that gives Florida +2 infantry.
A “Fake News” card that lets you deny losing a territory you already lost.
And a “Covfefe Blitzkrieg” move that nobody understands but everyone fears.
Stay tuned as Glitter & Grime continues coverage of Trump’s board game empire, Portland’s weaponized sage movement, and whether Putin has actually been controlling the dice this whole time.
Glitter & Grime: Portland’s Only Newsletter That Smells Like Patchouli and Trouble.