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"Who needs states when you have a great leader?" President asks, as ICE deports reporter who questioned the logic

By Adam Watson| Glitter an Grime

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what political scientists are calling "the logical conclusion of malignant narcissism meeting unchecked executive power," President Donald Trump floated a proposal this week to rename all states south of the Mason-Dixon Line some variation of "TrumpLand," "TrumpVille," or "The Great Southern Trump Territories, Formerly Known as States."

"I think it'd be really great, just awesome," Trump told reporters during an impromptu press conference held in the White House Map Room, where he was reportedly caught defacing a portrait of Joe Biden with a Sharpie. "They love me down there. You ask them. We'll have big golden signs—'Welcome to TrumpVille.' Beautiful signs. The best signs."

When asked if he would feel any turmoil about erasing centuries of state identities, Trump responded with the confidence of a man who has never experienced self-doubt: "Who needs states? We have a leader. We have a great leader. I mean, look what we've done since we changed it to 'The Gulf of America,' okay? Zero hurricanes."

[EDITOR'S NOTE: The Gulf of Mexico was renamed "The Gulf of America" via executive order in January 2025. Hurricane season begins in June. It is currently February. This is like claiming your diet is working because you haven't gained weight in the three minutes since you started it.]

THE CORRELATION/CAUSATION MASTERCLASS

A reporter from The Washington Post attempted to point out that the Gulf's lack of hurricanes might be related to it being the middle of winter and not, in fact, because Trump renamed a body of water. The reporter was immediately detained by ICE agents, placed on a plane, and deported to an undisclosed location, despite being a U.S. citizen from Silver Spring, Maryland.

"See? That's leadership," Trump said, watching the arrest unfold. "You don't question greatness. You just let it happen."

The White House later clarified that the reporter was "voluntarily relocated for reeducation purposes" and would be returned "once he understands how naming things works."

[EDITOR'S NOTE: We reached out to the reporter's family for comment, but they were too busy frantically calling lawyers and questioning whether this is still America.]

THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN (SORT OF)

To gauge public reaction to the TrumpLand proposal, our intrepid correspondent hit the streets—and by streets, I mean a gas station in Ohio and a Starbucks in Oregon, because that's journalism now.

Sid, Lancaster, Ohio: "If they bomb Agrabah, they can change the state name. Hell, they can change my name."

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Agrabah is the fictional city from Disney's Aladdin. In 2015, a poll found 30% of Republican voters supported bombing it. Sid's internal logic checks out, which is the most depressing thing I'll write today.]

Benji, Tualatin, Oregon: When asked if he had any qualms about this representing a massive expansion of federal power and the literal erasure of state sovereignty, Benji had this to say:

"Trump is my North Star now. We can have Graceland and Greenland in one nation."

By Clementine Vex | Glitter an Grime

PORTLAND, OR — In what experts are calling "technically not illegal," Bridges & Sons Premium Relocation Services held a press conference Tuesday to announce that Portland is experiencing "an unprecedented surge of interest from people who definitely want to move here and absolutely need a moving company to do it."

The company's findings are based on what CEO Dale Bridges Jr. described as a "5% consensus," a metric that, when pressed, he admitted he "made up in the shower" but insisted "feels right."

"Five percent of people agree—Portland is the destination," Bridges announced from behind a podium draped in moving blankets. "And that five percent? They're going to need someone to move their stuff. Someone reliable. Someone with competitive rates and a fleet of twelve trucks, three of which currently run."

The press conference, which local journalists slowly realized was a 45-minute commercial, included a PowerPoint presentation featuring stock photos of smiling families, a graph with unlabeled axes, and a coupon code ("CONSENSUS5") for 10% off moves over 500 miles.

When asked who comprised the 5% consensus, Bridges gestured vaguely toward the parking lot. "You know. People. Movers and shakers. Folks who saw that Portlandia show and said, 'Yeah, I want that, but more expensive now.'"

Dr. Helena Marsh, a statistician at Portland State University who was not consulted for the study, reviewed Bridges' methodology at Glitter an Grime's request.

"This isn't a consensus. This isn't even a survey," she said, examining a laminated index card Bridges had provided as source material. "This is a Yelp review from 2019 that says 'moved here, it was fine.' He's highlighted the word 'moved' six times."

Bridges & Sons Premium Relocation Services has operated in the Portland metro area since 2021, when Dale Bridges Jr. inherited a single box truck from his uncle and "a dream of helping people experience the magic of loading their belongings into a vehicle."

The company currently maintains a 2.3-star rating on Google Reviews, with recent comments including "they showed up on the wrong day," "pretty sure one of them took my blender," and "Dale Jr. is my cousin and even I wouldn't recommend this."

Despite the questionable data, Bridges remained bullish on Portland's appeal.

"People are leaving California. People are leaving Texas. People are leaving their homes, generally, for various reasons," he said, reading from a script his marketing intern had printed in 18-point font. "And when they leave? They need boxes. They need tape. They need a crew of guys who will only break some of their stuff."

The press conference concluded with Bridges unveiling a new company slogan: "Bridges & Sons: Because Your Stuff Won't Move Itself (We Checked)."

Attendees were given complimentary tote bags filled with packing peanuts and a branded stress ball shaped like a moving truck. The stress ball, when squeezed, emits a faint whistling sound that Bridges described as "the call of opportunity."

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Glitter an Grime did not receive compensation for this article, though we were offered a "friends and family discount" and a mini fridge that Dale Jr. insisted "probably works."]

By Clementine Vex | Glitter an Grime

PORTLAND, OR — A coalition of Portland landlords filed a formal complaint with the city this week, demanding the right to deploy artificial intelligence and robotic systems to handle rent increases, citing "compassion fatigue" from years of personally delivering devastating financial news to tenants.

"Do you have any idea how hard it is to look someone in the eye and tell them their rent is going up 35%?" asked Gregory Helm, spokesperson for the Portland Property Owners Alliance for Responsible Innovation (PPOARI), a group that formed six days ago in a McMenamins back room. "I have to see their faces. I have to hear them ask how they're supposed to afford it. It's brutal. On me."

The proposal, titled "Initiative for Automated Tenant Communications and Compassionate Displacement," would allow landlords to utilize AI chatbots, automated phone systems, and in some cases, physical robots to deliver rent increases, lease non-renewals, and eviction notices.

"Imagine a friendly robot rolls up to your door, plays a little jingle, and informs you that your housing costs are increasing by $800 a month," Helm explained, showcasing concept art of a Wall-E-style machine holding an envelope. "It's not me doing it. It's technology. Progress. You can't be mad at progress."

The initiative has faced immediate pushback from tenant advocacy groups, city officials, and anyone who has ever rented an apartment.

"They want to automate exploitation," said Maria Santos, director of Portland Tenants United. "What's next? A drone that delivers your 30-day notice? An algorithm that calculates exactly how much you can't afford?"

"Actually, yes," Helm interjected, having arrived uninvited to the interview. "We've been looking into that. The algorithm thing. It's very exciting."

Currently, Portland's tenant protection laws require landlords to provide written notice for rent increases and maintain certain communication standards—laws that PPOARI argues are "discriminatory against people who find human interaction inconvenient."

"I got into real estate to build passive income, not to have conversations," said PPOARI member and owner of 47 rental units across Southeast Portland, Diane Whitford-Crane. "Every time I raise rent, I have to deal with emails. Phone calls. One tenant sent me a handwritten letter about how she's lived there for twelve years. Twelve years! I had to read the whole thing. With my eyes."

Whitford-Crane proposed a tiered automation system: Tier 1 would use AI-generated emails for standard increases; Tier 2 would deploy a chatbot named "RentBot" for tenant questions; Tier 3, for evictions, would involve a humanoid robot that Whitford-Crane described as "empathetic-looking but legally not responsible for anything."

City Commissioner Lupita Hernandez dismissed the proposal during a Tuesday council session.

"Absolutely not," Hernandez stated. "If you're going to displace a family, you can at least have the decency to do it yourself. That's the bare minimum of accountability we're asking for. Look them in the eye. Feel something. Be a person."

Helm called the rejection "deeply disappointing" and suggested PPOARI would explore legal options.

"This is about innovation," he said, packing up his concept art and a prototype RentBot arm he'd brought for demonstration. "Portland claims to be progressive, but when landlords try to progress past the uncomfortable parts of landlording, suddenly we're the villains."

As of press time, Helm was seen in the parking lot arguing with the prototype arm, which had malfunctioned and was repeatedly printing receipts that read "SEEK HUMAN CONNECTION."

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Glitter an Grime reached out to RentBot for comment. It responded with a 7-page terms of service agreement and a single emoji: 🏠💔]

By Clementine Vex, Unlicensed Astrologer

♈ ARIES (March 21 - April 19) The universe is telling you to start that project you've been putting off. The universe is lying. Stay in bed. Eat cereal. The project will still be there Monday, judging you silently. Lucky number: 911 (not the emergency, the Porsche you'll never afford)

♉ TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) Venus enters your snack cabinet this week. You will eat your feelings, and honestly? They're delicious. Someone will call you "stubborn." Correct them. You're not stubborn, you're right. Lucky smell: Whatever that candle is that costs $48

♊ GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) Both of you are going through it this week. One of you wants to text your ex. The other one wants to start a podcast. Neither should happen. Go for a walk. Touch grass. Delete the voice memo app. Lucky excuse: "Sorry, Mercury's in retrograde" (It's not. Use it anyway.)

♋ CANCER (June 21 - July 22) You will feel deeply misunderstood this week. This is because you responded to a simple question with a 47-minute emotional monologue. People love you. They also need a break. Hydrate. Lucky coping mechanism: Aggressive baking

♌ LEO (July 23 - August 22) The spotlight finds you this week, but it's the fluorescent light in a CVS at 11pm and you're buying off-brand antacids. Glamour takes many forms. Own it. You're still the main character. Lucky purchase: Anything with your face on it

♍ VIRGO (August 23 - September 22) You'll reorganize something that doesn't need reorganizing. This is your love language. Someone will move an item 2 inches to the left and you will feel violence. Breathe. Let the chaos flow around you like water off a color-coded duck. Lucky spreadsheet: The one no one asked for

♎ LIBRA (September 23 - October 22) A decision must be made this week. You will not make it. You'll instead create a pros and cons list, consult three friends, read two Reddit threads, and ultimately let the universe decide by which option you "feel" when the light hits your coffee a certain way. Valid. Lucky stalling tactic: "I need to check my calendar"

♏ SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21) Someone will wrong you. You will remember it forever. You will say "it's fine" while constructing an elaborate revenge fantasy you'll never act on but will keep you warm at night. The grudge is the gift. Nurture it. Lucky hex: The one you're pretending you didn't Google

♐ SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21) You'll book a trip you can't afford or say something wildly inappropriate at a dinner party. Possibly both. Your charm will carry you 70% of the way. The other 30% is running. Lucky escape route: The bathroom window

♑ CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19) You're working too hard. You know this. You will not stop. Somewhere, a Sagittarius is having fun and it's making you irrationally angry. Schedule one (1) joy this week. Put it in the calendar. Make it mandatory. Lucky power move: Leaving a meeting on time

♒ AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18) You'll have a revolutionary idea this week that no one will understand. This is because you explained it using a metaphor involving bees, late-stage capitalism, and a dream you had in 2019. Write it down. Try again with fewer bees. Lucky conspiracy: The one that's actually kind of true

♓ PISCES (February 19 - March 20) Reality is optional this week. You'll dissociate gently through several obligations and somehow still be everyone's emotional support human. Set a boundary. Just one. It will feel illegal but it's not. Probably. Lucky delusion: "I'm fine, actually"

The stars don't know what they're doing and neither do we. See you next week.

— C. Vex Glitter & Grime Astrological Correspondent (Self-Appointed)