Menlo Park, CA. In what executives are calling “a natural evolution of engagement,” Facebook announced plans this week to launch a new live-streamed feature titled “Trolls vs. Trolls.”
The announcement was delivered by company founder Mark Zuckerberg, referred to internally by at least one employee, Jerald (with a J), simply as “The Zuck.”
“It’s basically this really genius idea we… came up with,” Zuckerberg said. “We’re going to invite the most aggressive keyboard bros who challenge each other online into a winner take all live battleground. It’s going to be a real bloodbath.”
According to preliminary documents, contestants will be dropped into a ten-acre arena located somewhere near Zuckerberg’s property line, where “engagement tools” and “moderation assets” will be strategically hidden throughout the terrain.
“Think Fortnite, but with middle-aged men who haven’t felt alive since the comment section of a local news article,” one product manager explained.
Zuckerberg described the initiative as “very progressive,” adding that the advertising upside would be “absolutely insane.”
When asked whether the program bordered on outright psychosis, Zuckerberg appeared unfazed.
“Psychotic is kind of a vibe,” he replied. “It’s a term that gets thrown around a lot. I didn’t feel anything taking Facebook from those twins, and I don’t really feel anything now. But this? This is modern Rome energy.”
At Glitter & Grime, we remain unconvinced.
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However, the announcement has already attracted interest from users. We were contacted by Earl from Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, who claimed to have “run the numbers.”
“Zuck’s onto something,” Earl said, producing a napkin covered in indecipherable diagrams. “Look, when Jerry comes in with his liberal crap at the bar, I challenge him to a fight. I’ve got a taser. He thinks it’s fists. Bar owner can’t stop thankin’ me.”
The interview was terminated shortly thereafter, and Earl was advised to contact an attorney. Authorities later confirmed they are investigating a missing person report in the area.
As Meta races to monetize hostility among users over 40, questions remain. Is Trolls vs. Trolls a brilliant solution to the internet’s most toxic behavior? A necessary pressure valve? Or merely a preview of a modern coliseum, with an emperor who insists he feels nothing while watching it burn?
Time will tell.
Olympia Solves Everything by Installing One Giant Panic Button on Capitol Steps
After requiring panic buttons for isolated workers starting in 2026, lawmakers bravely give them to the most vulnerable group of all: themselves.
Beginning January 1, Washington employers must provide “isolated employees” including janitors, motel housekeepers, and night shift staff with a personal panic button to summon immediate help when things become unsafe.
Officials in Olympia quickly realized the concept was far too effective to be limited to workers and announced plans for a single, building-sized panic button installed directly on the Capitol steps.
Under House Bill 1524, real workers receive a device designed to be worn on the body, easy to activate, and directly linked to assistance in the event of harassment or assault while working alone.
By contrast, Olympia’s new Capitol Panic Solution (CPS) requires a two thirds legislative vote, three forms of identification, and a scheduled lobbyist breakfast before it will acknowledge that anything bad is happening.
Official guidance for panic buttons emphasizes simplicity: no passwords, no startup delay, and immediate on-scene help.
In the Capitol pilot program, pressing the giant red button instead triggers a blue-ribbon task force, a non-binding resolution condemning “bad vibes,” and a commitment to study the issue further during the 2027–2029 biennium.
The law allows isolated workers to summon another employee, a security guard, or a representative of the employer for immediate support.
The Capitol version connects users directly to a prerecorded message:
“Your panic is very important to us. Please remain on the line while we protect our donors first.”
Violations of the real law may result in civil penalties and enforcement by Labor & Industries, reflecting a rare moment when the state decided workplace safety should actually matter.
Inside the legislature, however, failure to provide adequate panic protection remains punishable only by stern tweets and a strongly worded op-ed no one reads until after the next election.
To Do in Portland
Monday •
Trivia @ Ringlers Pub (Downtown)
Bridgetown Trivia, teams, prizes, classic Crystal Ballroom basement vibe. •
Free TriFreevia @ No Fun Bar (SE) Same crew, more dive‑y, SE crowd.
Mellow Monday Ride (NakedHearts:PDX) Casual social bike ride if you want “small venue” but moving.
Tuesday
Bridgetown Trivia @ Alberta Street Pub (NE) – Bar‑sized room, heated patio, good for grabbing a tiny‑venue vibe plus quiz night. •
Bluegrass Brews @ Verse Taproom (SE) – Small taproom bluegrass plus beer; some weeks they also run music bingo. •
ShanRock’s Triviology @ The Shaku Bar (N/NE) – Quirkier questions, prizes, regulars who take it semi‑seriously.
Wednesday •
Untapped Trivia @ The Automatic Bar (NE) – Low‑key bar trivia, listed on the Willamette Week calendar. •
Bridgetown Trivia @ Church Bar (NE) – Trivia in a goth‑y cocktail church. •
Bridgetown Trivia @ Chapel Pub (N) – McMenamins church‑turned‑pub with quiz night.
Odd outing: “Midweek worship service where the only doctrine is ‘no phones during the picture round.’”
Thursday •
Open Mic Comedy Night @ Al’s Den (Downtown) Basement bar at the Crystal Hotel; comics trying new material, free, 21+
.Secret Roller Disco (various spots, usually Eastside) – Free or cheap outdoor roller‑skate party with DJ sets.
Bridgetown Trivia @ Space Room or 505 Distilling (SE) Both classic SE hangs with trivia.
Friday •
Old Fashion Fridays @ The EastBurn Public House (SE) – Bar, heated patio, cocktails, plus their usual trivia earlier in the week and Sunday. • Bar music +
‘Bigfoot County’ Grateful Dead cover night (Verse Taproom or similar) – Rotating small‑venue jam nights listed in local FB event threads.
Saturday •
Rocky Horror Picture Show @ Clinton Street Theater (SE) – Not a bar but feels like one; 11 p.m. weekly with full audience participation. •
Small‑venue bar shows (Show Bar at Revolution Hall area, dive bars, etc.) – Rev Hall’s Show Bar calendar lists solo acts, themed nights, and free jams in a bar‑sized space on various Saturdays.
Sunday
Sunday Trivia @ EastBurn (SE) – Early‑evening Triviology trivia with prizes, cozy multi‑level bar.
Free Trivia @ Wayfinder Beer (SE) – Bridgetown Trivia in a big but still chill beer hall, skewed toward beer nerds.
HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Sets Record Straight, Declares Carnivore Diet the National Diet
Washington, D.C. — Robert F. Kennedy Jr. moved quickly this week to “end confusion around nutrition,” officially declaring the carnivore diet the national diet of the United States.
“Forget everything you think you know about food,” Kennedy said, speaking outside the Department of Health and Human Services. “We’re resetting.”
Kennedy, who recently began CrossFit training with longtime friend Aaron Rodgers, appeared energized while outlining the new policy. When pressed for clarification, the secretary began shouting a sequence of numbers.
Reporters initially assumed the figures were budgetary, but a spokesperson later confirmed Kennedy was announcing his new personal records for muscle-ups and burpees.
“He was just very proud of his WOD,” the aide said. Kennedy explained the rationale behind the policy plainly:
“All my bros in CrossFit do carnivore. So I decided to make it the law of the land.”
He added that the move was intended “to finally end the war on saturated fat.”
When a health pundit raised concerns, citing guidance from the World Health Organization warning that excessive red meat consumption may increase heart disease and cancer risk, Kennedy paused before responding:
“Do they even lift, bro?”
The carnivore announcement was not the only shift unveiled. Sources confirmed that federal vaccination recommendations were quietly downgraded to levels comparable with “select developing nations,” though officials declined to specify which ones.
As the briefing concluded, Kennedy reportedly congratulated reporters on “showing up,” encouraged them to “embrace discomfort,” and reminded everyone that “beef is medicine.”
Commuters across the capital expressed mixed reactions. One rider on a city bus summed up the national mood succinctly:
“I just hope we still get seats. Or at least the top of the bus.”
Republican Party Considering Star Wars Theme as Official Musical Entrance Song
in a move described as “epoch-defining” by some and “mildly perplexing” by others, the GOP is reportedly
the Star Wars Imperial March as its new anthem.
Washington, D.C. — After years of public relations stumbles involving artists who declined to lend their music to party events, Republican Party is reportedly exploring a Star Wars-themed musical entrance — and the choice has surprised everyone except the interns.
Talk of a theme song began circulating after party leaders struggled to secure licensed music from mainstream artists who support the party’s platform. One unnamed aide described the situation bluntly:
“We asked for support, and got remixed memes. So we’re going to do something unmistakable.”
Though that incident is still under review, it had no apparent impact on the GOP’s musical deliberations.
Word leaked that the party’s theme pick isn’t what many expected — rather than a contemporary rock or country artist, the top choice is the Imperial March, the iconic motif associated with Darth Vader.
When asked about the unusual selection, a senior party figure defended it vigorously.
“That’s just liberal reframing, OK? Look, he united the galaxy, no rebellions, order under one rule. Seriously, you watch Star Wars and all you’re told is Darth Vader’s bad — but we never hear why. He’s stopping a rebellion. Truth is, Bernie Sanders is out there playing Obi-Wan and we’re up here uniting the galaxy.”
Outside the Capitol, an emphatic supporter from Haines, riding by on horseback, seconded the claim.
“As we speak, I’m writin’ the ‘Big Beautiful Sith Deal,’” he said. “The Democrats gave all this money away to lazy sick people who can’t afford healthcare or social security. They want to take away private school with open borders. It’s nonsense — so we’re gonna pass this bill!”
Whether the GOP’s adoption of Imperial March signals a new era of political branding or just another meme-powered moment in modern politics, one thing is clear:
In 2026, the music might not just accompany the movement — it could define it.
George Pierre Thorne V responds:
First of all, let’s clear something up. If sobriety were measured by calendar accuracy,
By George Pierre Thorn
the most sober people on Earth would be accountants, and that’s clearly not the case. Adding six months to your sober date isn’t immoral. It’s not even dishonest.
It’s administrative optimism. You didn’t falsify evidence. You didn’t forge documents. You simply said, “This version of the story keeps me alive.” Morality isn’t about timestamps — it’s about outcomes. If the outcome is you not drinking, congratulations: You’ve passed the ethics exam. No retake required.
Now. The cake. The phrase was never “have your cake and eat it too.” That’s linguistic malpractice. What it means is: You can’t keep the cake and consume it.Which is also the central problem with adulthood, investing, sobriety, and apparently everything else.
Everyone wants:, the dopamine, the discipline, the reward, the innocence, the win, and zero consequences That’s not cake. That’s a PowerPoint fantasy. Now let’s talk about your chart. Today’s opening range is not a bakery. It’s a cafeteria with limited seating and a clock on the wall. You don’t get: the clean OR break the zero pullback the full extension
and the moral high ground. You get one bite. On days like today: You eat the break or You eat the failed reclaim But if you try to keep the position and demand perfection, the market politely escorts you out and takes your lunch money.
You may not frame it.
Which brings us full circle. The most dangerous lie adults believe is that the truth has to be pure to be valid.
Sometimes the truth is:
slightly edited strategically reframed emotionally useful and functionally honest That’s not corruption.
That’s survival with style.
George Pierre Thorne V
Senior Columnist, Glitter & Grime
“Eat the cake. Don’t build a shrine to it.”