WASHINGTON, D.C. Former president Donald Trump announced Tuesday that he will personally descend to the Mariana Trench to broker “the biggest, most tremendous deal ever made between two oceans.” “Nobody knows more about the oceans than me. Nobody. Ask the fish,” Trump declared, standing beside a novelty-sized snorkel. “The Atlantic and the Pacific, they don’t get along. They splash, they fight, it’s chaos. We’re going to make them great friends, or else we’ll put tariffs on waves.”

Trump’s aides confirmed he will travel in a gold-plated submersible “designed like a very classy elevator” to the trench’s Challenger Deep, where he expects to host “the first underwater summit in history.”“We’re calling it the Big Splash Agreement historic, very historic. The oceans love me, by the way. Dolphins, whales, even the sharks they all say, ‘Thank you, sir, thank you for saving the water.’ Biden can’t even swim.”

When asked about climate change, Trump assured reporters, “The oceans are rising because they’re standing up to applaud me.”Marine scientists expressed skepticism. “He’s planning to negotiate with tectonic plates,” one said, “by threatening to build a wall in the middle of the Pacific.”

Meanwhile, sources close to Trump confirmed he has already filed a trademark for “Ocean Force One™”, a luxury cruise submarine offering $5,000 buffet tickets.